In part one of a two parter with glow-stick power duo Belle De Jour & Athena, we talked with Wheeler’s Jordanhill deity about all sorts of shit.
Greetings Athena. Do you mind if I call you that?
Yeah, why not. It’s a silly nickname but I’m stuck with it.
How did you get it?
He gave me it. My lover. It was some crumby joke about all the posters in my bedroom. I like it though. It’s better than my real name.
What’s your real name?
That’s really none of your business.
‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet’…
Ooh you’re such a charmer! Did you write that?
Are you mocking me?
Could be. Lighten up, love. If you’re going to steal from Shakespeare then pick something a bit less obvious.
You bite your thumb at me, sir?
I do not bite my thumb at you sir, I bite my thumb!
A plague on both your houses, etc.
Starcross’d lovers and that.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yeah!
Care to elaborate?
“I smoke cause I’m hoping for an early death, and I need to cling to something.”
More Shakespeare?
Nah that was Morrissey. If we don’t believe in love what’s left? Music maybe. I don’t think you can have one without the other. I can’t, anyway. Music always gets me out of the darkest places. It’s pure magic. God, that was so Glaswegian.
Is that a bad thing?
I love Glasgow but I hate sounding Scottish sometimes. I’ve got that horrible “I’m here for the banter” Kelvindale accent. Old money. I read somewhere 80% of Americans think it’s the sexiest accent in the world. Those crazy yanks! I find it amusing that red haired girls are considered exotic in America, and are ‘niche’. Again, those crazy yanks.
Have you ever considered going red?
Brunettes rule the world. We definitely have more fun than blondes so that well-known saying is clearly rubbish. My favourite ginger ever is Lindsay Lohan. She just grabbed the ball and ran with it.
What about Bigfoot Henderson from Bigfoot & The Hendersons?
Yeah he was cool. We await the great Lindsay Lohan/Bigfoot & The Hendersons crossover.
Is there anything you truly hate?
Such negativity…
Is there though?
Do you know who I hate? Ainsley Harriott. He’s awful.
Ainsley Harriott?
I’m serious. Fucking Ainsley Harriott with his fucking red peppers and his green tomatoes. No, wait that’s not right… I meant his green tomatoes and his red peppers. Shit, you know what I’m talking about. “Bit o’ Percy Pepper… Bit o’ Sally Salt…” What an arsehole.
You must be the only person in the western world that truly hates Ainsley Harriott.
I would never tire of kicking that man. Every week he’ll talk to someone in the kitchen and be all “so tell me that story where you got on the bus with all the parcels, but then you bumped into someone and all the parcels went everywhere and when you looked up at the person you bumped into it turned out to be John Craven.” The woman in her red pepper apron never has anything left to say! It’s all about Ainsley. Ainsley and his spicy meat.
I’m sorry I got you so would up.
(Takes a deep breath) It’ll pass. There we go. Do you know who’s lovely? Marcus Wareing from Masterchef. He can spice my meat whenever he likes.
I’ve noticed that you often talk in song titles and lyrics. What’s your favourite lyric?
Good question. I don’t think I have a favourite. You can’t really force it, they just present themselves whenever they’re needed. Sometimes they sound really wrong outside the context of a song, or a lot more naff. I think I’m being all profound and it ends up sounding like high school poetry. Have you noticed poems can translate to songs but songs rarely make decent poems? Ooh I just thought of a great one! “Teacher comes to break it up, back on the head with a plastic cup!” Baggy Trousers, Madness. Hardly poetic but still great. Fuck, Madness were great. I wish I’d been in Madness.
Do you play any instruments?
No but I kick ass at Singstar. Undefeated in six years. I might start playing the ukulele. I’ve heard it’s easy. Janet tried to get me to learn the piano when I was eight but frankly I had better things to do.
Such as?
You know, things you do when you’re eight. I had this game called Dream Phone. You had to guess which boy wanted to take you on a date and then phone him. Not really appropriate for an eight year old but simpler times. I’d play it by myself. If you got the wrong guy he’d say “sorry, but I’m just not interested”. Well fuck you then Brad! How brutal is that?
Did you spend a lot of time alone growing up?
It was the ‘only child effect’. It’s how I got really good at wasting time. And Singstar.
Did it make you more self-sufficient?
Self-contained, yeah, but not self-sufficient. I can be alone if I have enough to do. I like people. Most people. Some folk just can’t be alone, ever. Even when they’re brushing their teeth they need Youtube clips on or whatever.
Do you do the blog thing?
Sometimes, erratically. I did a couple of hair and makeup blogs but I got bored. A lot of what goes on the internet is recycled. It goes round and round. He said this, she said that. Try this product, try that one. Spitter is the worst for it. It’s a license for lazy journalists to keep the whole circus revolving. The internet got wearing pretty quickly, if I’m honest. I guess the idea is pretty punk rock: anyone in the world can be a star if they’ve got a camera phone but there’s so much dross to wade through. Those punk bands still had talent and the nerve to be different.
And you don’t see that in Youtubers and Vloggers?
(Sigh) They’re all trying to be so edgy and different everyone pretty much sounds the same. So watered down. It’s not punk at all, like Brewdog plastering it all over their pretentious beer. Would Ian Curtis really have drank your ‘post-punk classic’ in some Camden wankery? I doubt it. Peter Hook would though. I bet he takes baths in the stuff. Did you like Monaco?
Monaco?
That was Peter Hook’s band in the late nineties. He left New Order because he wanted to do something different and his new band sounded exactly like New Order. That was Monaco. They had one good song.
Do you like New Order?
They were a bit before my time, in that no-man’s land before the bands I got into as a teenager but after the older stuff I inherited later from my uncle. I really like Regret. They argue all the time on stage. (Adopts Barney Sumner Manchester accent) “Turn his fookin’ bass down!” They got a bit of a rough deal in 24 Hour Party People. I wanted more about Joy Division but instead it was 90% Shaun Rider shagging on a tour bus. Control was great though. Did Ian Curtis really dance like that? It’s like how my mum dances at weddings.
Tell me about your mother.
Don’t go all Freudian on me. Lie down on the couch… But what does that mean? You’re a nut. You’re as crazy as a coconut! But what does that mean? That Boy needs therapy. I’m gonna kill you! That boy needs therapy… I could go on.
Have you ever needed therapy?
Absolutely not.
Are you sure?
I have friends. They’re cheaper. Belle De Jour is my chief therapist. I mean friend. She can talk.
How did you meet?
She used to work in this clothes shop in the West End called Glory Box.
Wasn’t that originally called Glory Hole?
It was! For about two whole years. The owner cottoned on eventually. I was always in there and Belle would be cutting about in mountains of beads. She was all about the beads back then. “I have the neck muscles of a bear…” she’d say. We became New Rave pals, going to see Klaxons and all that nonsense. That scene was over in a flash but we kept hanging out. She’s saved in my phone as The Dove, a very sick joke. She calls me Parker, like Bonnie Parker from Bonnie & Clyde. She’s my Clyde, definitely.
Athena aka The Girl appears in the novel Boxhead by David McMahon, available soon. Honest.
Other Boxhead interviews:
The Villain
The Hashtag Area